a great softening
It’s my first real moment in some time to write, and I’m too relieved for words. I keep beginning this beginning again, finding myself in such a state of calm that what I have to say does not fly from my fingertips, but sways with them, so slowly that I can’t keep up. I am getting to know myself in this new chapter of my life, and she has a certain softness that renders me speechless.
For years I have fought for the hard, the grit, the raw - even their words are strong. I integrated them into my existence with fierce pride, a sprint to become the woman I missed, I desired in growing up. As a young adult I said; sex, drugs, and rock and roll will be a part of my story, and I made it happen. I do, after all, take solace in the thrill of choosing and living.
I raced myself when no one was watching, my feet hit the pavement barefoot, relentless in their pursuit for freedom, in the defining of life. Each time they made contact with the ground, I felt power in the impact. Each time I tumbled, I felt satisfied that the depths of my emotions were justified, that I had stories to tell - stories that sang.
It’s true, I do. I am rich in living, in people, in change; I will take this love and growth with me forever more. I sped time up, and now I’m choosing to slow it down. My tumbles have tested the limits and I now feel clear that the clench of my jaw won’t make me braver anymore, maybe I have proven to myself that I am brave enough. Entonces, aquí estoy, todavía descalzada, mirando el camino atrás y despidiendo la mentalidad de fuerza en el nombre de crecimiento. Not all learning lessons need to be so hard, so fast, so furious. Where now, is the place for softness?
I could write to find her. I could talk about how wild it is to be in my masters of social work and see the world and people through a newfound framework of justice and psychodynamic theories. I could write about the old new york which I am craving, basking in, sipping and savoring - how I want to be on the side of history that keeps soul alive and doesn’t further let it fade away. I could write about my rage and grief after leaving my emotionally abusive relationship, how my ability to feel desire is so phenomenally subdued, out of touch, unsafe. Perhaps all have a place at the table, in fact, I believe them to be deep in conversation; wonderful company. And, perhaps, their explorations don't quite speak to the softness which I want to express, although I understand why I might think they would.
I realize, I find the softness, just like always - in the light and in myself. Finally. Finally, I can be alone with her light, with my own. You will know her in the cracks of my voice between my lines, in the way the leaves fly in the sun, in the silence of your reflection - but she is ultimately just that, she is yours just as much as she is mine, she is intimate and uncapturable.
i can't even begin to say how much i love this piece - so so beautiful 💘
Sweet darling.